[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.