@AnkCoupleTO: [job interview] HR: *reading medical history* it says here you're a former addict? Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

@LaLuchaNix: [Pulling brother's life support plug] *whispers in ear* "This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly."

@StinkyGr33n: *Creating bees* God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem. Angel: Sure thing, boss. God: Give 'em the greatest knees of all time

@noimnotjewish: Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that "It's 4 am!" attitude, mmkay?

@othersome: I'm not the hero Gotham deserves. I'm Pete I work at Subway. Do u want extra meetballs.