On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen