It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.