Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
You’ll be OK
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.