Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.