On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.