[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f