[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
the world’s most popular steaming services
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.