[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Monday
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.