[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
You Might Also Like
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
“A little help here, Danny?”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My beach vacation Google searches
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.