My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right