*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Coffee is ready.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*skinny dips into black hole
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation