On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.