It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
You Might Also Like
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
*me flirting
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING