On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol