@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
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@inanimatecorpse: Blind date. Oh, this is awkward Chewbacca: What i meant... Chewbacca: When I said i was looking for a big dog person was.. Chewbacca:
@internetluke: *hears robber in house* If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I'm not afraid to use it. "What's Updog?" Not too much haha you? "Robbing you"
@mrjohndarby: [World Cat Conference] President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
@tastefactory: *bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there's no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh