@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
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@WilliamRodgers: This could be the Alcohol talking but.... OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
@hazelmotes1: You literally misuse the word "literally" every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.
@OfficialMizGin: Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend? Me: No, it’s for me. Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.