People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*