It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Here’s a meme
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk