On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
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What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
why would tinder want me to say this
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The prophecy is fulfilled
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Scream sneezers need love too.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”