On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Erm I’m gonna say no
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
💯😂