[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]