On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?