*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
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This is my bus stop.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes