[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.