@GrantTanaka: On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time"
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@alfageeek: Wife: We don't have anything planned today… Me: Cool! Wife: …so I was thinking we should… Me: (dammit)
@thatUPSdude: Your potato salad recipe is not a "family secret", your uncle Ray who cooks meth in his trailer home is a family secret.
@ProdigyNelson: Me: hey girl r u an earthquake Her: aw bc I rock ur world? Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
@TacoStamp1: Damn my stomach is making really weird noises...I'm gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.