On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
You Might Also Like
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.