On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
How can I say no to this ?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.