@WheelTod: On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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@tastefactory: Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me. Guard: Oh, we're not electrocuting you... *college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
@jp_mcdade: Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they're into sports. *meets someone who's really into politics* Wow, I wish I was dead.
@Swain_Train47: Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump's slogan for his campaign but "Make America Bern Again" didn't go over well with marketing.
@rachelmillman: if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know