On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
got so much cardio in today
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please