@WheelTod: On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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@KeetPotato: [music club] what should we play today [hand goes up] yes joe? "banjo" all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand [everyones hand goes up]
@murrman5: [first day as funeral director] this is the dress she wants to be buried in "It's very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin"
@mattgallo123: My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.