On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples