@notalogin: On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.
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@cluedont: Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there's pickletits at the end.
@sageboggs: Worst flight I've ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I'm never flying Airbnb again
@Fred_Delicious: "Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?" "we... can't find him at all" "DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH"
@david8hughes: Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden? Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.