On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.