@ShesARealGenius: On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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@SortaBad: Mario: hey u up? Princess: yeah y? M: come over ;) P: can't. Kidnapped :( M: Where? I'll save u P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole M: k
@TheAlexNevil: I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
@pleatedjeans: [cruising down highway in friend's car with windows down] me: [opens bag of glitter]