On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”