On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Note to self: always read the final line
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I’m sorry…what?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I want this so bad
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*