My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
You Might Also Like
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.