“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist