@duplicitron: Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.
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@slimmy_shady: Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
@LetMeStart: [on phone with friend] Friend: Did you just throw up? Me: No, that's the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
@badbanana: Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
@noog: Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.