@JasonLastname: Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you're now working at Subway. You're a submarine.
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@3sunzzz: H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one. Me: H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.
@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
@DranoRaul: Never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
@RidiculousSheri: "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Pizza" "My new boyfriend who? "No. Pizza" "My future husband who?" "No." "Playing hard to get who?"