Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
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It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Golf would be better with landmines.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.