@ceejoyner: Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
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@ArfMeasures: ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description? ME: It's like a big, fast dog
@KevinFarzad: Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That's why the other countries are winning.
@garrettbarry70: My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn't care that her bra pinches my back.
@flashember: [job interview] "I'll never hire you" ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I'm swordf- NO IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE