my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Personal question. #JustSaying