“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]