Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
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the only organized thing in my life is crime
Interior design 👌
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
No Google it does not
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.