Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
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I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I think they could have phrased this better
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”