Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
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LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?