@duplicitron: Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
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@MariyaAlexander: I could never be an actress because I don't want kids and would never be able to say "but my favorite role is being a mom" at award shows.
@SlabBaconBP: When you write lyrics as bad as "I got soul but I'm not a soldier" it's important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn
@timdonakowski: Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.