Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT