@MariyaAlexander: I could never be an actress because I don't want kids and would never be able to say "but my favorite role is being a mom" at award shows.

@SlabBaconBP: When you write lyrics as bad as "I got soul but I'm not a soldier" it's important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn

@timdonakowski: Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

@Underchilde: I have the reflexes of a cat, but like if it was stoned.