@duplicitron: Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
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@iwearaonesie: *wife comes out in a robe* I'm hiding your present Yes it's wrapped Nooo, it's not in the fridge [5 minutes later] IT'S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
@IamEnidColeslaw: *points at houseplant* no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
@RocketRankoon: The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: My book was translated for the UK. Wife: They speak English. Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed "stroller" to "buggy"* Sort of.
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