my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
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Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
#catsoftwitter
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.