What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Battery falling down a hole
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list