Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
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[eulogy]
line?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand