@donni: Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals
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@abhorrent_wife: There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
@RobocopLust: 911: 911. What's your emergency? Me: I'm bleeding profusely. 911: Sir, this line is reserved for joke formats. Me: ...
@beliz69: Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, "Yes, honey I do."