@TraylorParker: Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@garrydavenport: The "eye for an eye" philosophy isn't exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
@dulcetry: [Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
@iGreenMonk: Once upon a time, a horse & a giraffe met & fell in love. Going against all the odds, they got married & that's how we have camels.
@rockymomax: [adopting dog] VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe [leaving hospital with baby] DOCTOR: don't let him die