Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Money is the root of all wealth
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet