Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down