Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
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JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I like crazy people until they notice me
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.