Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
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Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’